How to Set Up a Computer in 47 Gut Retching Steps

My laptop has been on it's last legs so a while back I bought a rebuilt one from my computer fixin lady. For mothers day I got a new flat screen monitor. Yeah!!!.....kind of. (I still remember the VCR hook up nightmare)

1. The Box                                                                                                                                            I try to get the monitor out of the box after piling up all the wires. I can't seem to budge it. After 15 minutes I find the little instruction pictures on the box and manage to wrestle it loose. It has nifty little picture on the monitor too. I try to sort out all the wires and discover the computer didn't come with a power cord. I call it quits. I need a glass of wine.
2. The Wires                                                                                                                                          I make the trek into town and get a power cord for the box thing. I get the old keyboard my sis gave me that a dog chewed the wire in half and it's taped together with black electrical tape. I decide to put the computer on a shelf above my desk to keep it away from the dog hair and teeth. It's a black hole of a place and I use a flashlight to see what I am doing. I struggle and cuss and finally get it all hooked up. The keyboard cord is too short and I can't pull the desk drawer out to use it. I have to move it. I cuss some more. I move my printer and put it up on the shelf and move the computer down where the printer was. The flashlight comes out and so did the wine. I hook it all up again.
3. The Wizard                                                                                                                                       I find the File and Setting Transfer Wizard to move all my stuff. I need another cord. I make another 20 mile trek into town and get one. I excitedly get home and get ready to do it. I go through the wizard following the instructions. I hook up the wire..... and nothing. I try several more times and it can't seem to communicate. I need a martini.
4. The Files                                                                                                                                        The next day I call my computer fixin girl. She is not in but the guy there says use the flash drive. So I did. I get almost all the files moved and it starts lightning. I shut everything down and give up for the night thinking I need a shot of whiskey.
5.  The Programs                                                                                                                                    I start putting in my programs. One after another. One for the wireless antenna, one for the printer,  camera ect. Most are a confusing struggle. I have to get my sis to help me get all the office programs on. I don't finish, it starts lightning and I call it quits. I need  a whole bottle by now.
6. Keyboard                                                                                                                                         I get ready to move the rest of the files. I turn them both on. I unplug my one mouse from the laptop and try to plug it in the other on. It does not work. I try a few more times and realize I have some stray wire from??? I finally get the right one but then try to type and the keyboard is not working. I had moved the wires around too much and where a dog chewed the wire. I mess with the wires. Each time I touch them I hit the off button on the monitor. Sh*t. My blood pressure is going up. I find the power cord. I quit. Zoloft
7. The Internet                                                                                                                             Entering day seven I cringe just thinking about the dam thing. I turn them both on to finish the *%$#@  files once again. I try the keyboard and miraculously it is working. ( I was fixin to get the hammer) The Internet works on the laptop but not the other. I try to fix it, nope. My Internet service is countrified and sporadic at best plus I am aways and in another building than where the router and such lives. I move the router and modem closer to me and plug it in a different phone jack. I get an awesomely strong signal, but can;t get online on either of the SOBs. I think it my service. It starts lightning.I need more tranquilizers.
8. Day Eight                                                                                                                                          I move the freaking router and modem back to where they were and get Internet on the laptop but the other fades in and out. So does my attention span. I sit and drink and ponder how the hell one phone line will work and not the other. I remember the phone co/ Internet provider said they'd come someday. Maybe someday will come..... I'll call them AGAIN. I can't deal with the files. I need blood pressure meds. I dream of doctor shopping.

                                                       So this is  where I am now.

And my daughter told me entering the twentieth century was safe now cause it was over.

Wrong wrong wrong.

    

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